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Un-Love

Broken-hearted na naman ako.

Sa gitna ng pakikibaka sa aking sarili - lalabas o mananatili sa loob ng aking munting paraiso. Pinilit kong itago sa kadiliman ng aking silid ang bawat alaala ng ating nakaraan, subalit, ang iyong alala ay kusang kumakawala, bumabalik sa mga

di nawakasang nakalipas.

ewan ko, natigilan ako’t napahinto, naisip kita.
at sa pagpasok mo sa aking gunita ay kalungkutan ang aking nadama. kalungkutan na pilit kong tinatakbuhan at tinatakasan.

nakakalimutan na kita. totoo.

madami akong ginagawa. madami akong inaasikaso, or i should i say, i made myself busy with a lot of things. friends to spend time with, family, out-of town trips, Batangas at ang inaasikasong negosyo, and scores, yes ang scores, ang mga libro, ang mga pelikula at mga musikang pauli-ulit ko ng narinig.

madami akong napagkaabalahan. trabaho - puro na lang trabaho. wala na kong ibang pinagkaabalahan sa mga oras na nagawa ko na ang lahat - kundi trabaho. wag kang magalala, okay naman ako eh, pero moment by moment, pumapasok ka sa isip ko, filling my idleness with lost moments of happy-together and once-upon-a-times. Remembrances of daily breakfasts and dinners together, out of the country trips, holding hands, kisses, phone calls and texts; Memories of yesterday’s unseemingly unbreakable promises, sweetness and proclamations of forever love.

Is forever real?

I wanted to clarify.

I have let you moved on, followed your heart’s desire to be alone. Hoping that some day you’ll come to me and let me know what happened.

I have always listened to you and am there whenever you needed. I always wanted you to be okay, but when it was my turn to be heard, the silence was a void. I know I should not expect things from other people; perhaps I was at fault when I wanted more from you when you can only give so little.

Sinaktan mo ko. You hurt me so many, many times. Sobrang sinaktan mo ko na hindi ko na nagawang sabihin sayo kung anong naramdaman ko pero minahal kita, sobrang minahal kita. I was a fool to think that it was a better way of dealing with things.

Manahimik na lang.

And I always think that everything will be okay between us. Pero bigla kang nawala. Parang bula. Leaving me clueless as to what happened, why everything was different.

Siguro nga, that was love. I loved you, and I hope to heavens that you loved me back: kahit sa mga saglit lang na magkasama tayo at magkahawak-kamay, Or during that moment when I looked into your eyes, you kissed me or the time when I laughed at your jokes and funny stories. Masaya na ko ng ganun. Na minsan kahit isang saglit, minahal mo din ako.

Yes, I love you, And that’s all I can say.

It may take time for me to love again, the way I’d loved you.

SO DIFFERENT–way DIFFERENT. The relationship I had with you was the best that I can give and all that I have. It was DEEPER that I can imagine. I have experienced true love, love with no conditions, no hesitations. And I thank you

For letting me experience such wonderful love.

Thank you for the great experience for the times we’ve been together and for leaving me breathless and hurt, furious yet inspired, indolent but affectionate. You’ve taught me a lot and I learned them in the most hard and humbling manner.

Thank you for showing me what it means to be ME, to be human, to commit mistakes, and to learn more, and to discover how to regain myself after everything that had happened.

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